I’ve written this post over and over in my head. Wondering if I said it out loud, wrote it down, would it make me feel worse, more guilty, or make me feel better?
Well there’s only one way to find out, so here goes.
I’ve been wondering, pondering if you will, what it would be like to answer someone’s polite question with an answer they weren’t expecting. An honest, heartfelt answer that you don’t tend to drop into everyday convo.
“How was your Christmas?”
“Oh it was lovely! Busy of course with the kids, and traveling, but so nice to see everyone.”
You know, it was nice to see everyone. And I’m so thankful that we have families who care, and go to a lot of trouble to get together and make delicious food (my sister in law makes the best stuff at Christmas!).
But deep down, I didn’t enjoy Christmas. I didn’t enjoy any of the time off my husband had. And right now I’m not really enjoying life.
And at the heart of all this… I’m tired. I’m really fucking desperately, eyes hanging out of my head tired.
I don’t want to be told that this too shall pass. I don’t want to be told oh it’s just a phase.
I want to be told that it’s ok that I wasn’t jumping out of my skin happy during the festive season. I want to be told that it’s ok to be sad. I want to be told that sometimes life is shit. And that it doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful for my family or what we have. It just means that my 1 year old won’t bloody sleep and it’s really affecting our lives at the moment.
I feel like a failure. I feel like a shit mum. I feel like I just want to curl up in a ball and have a really big fucking cry. And some bloody sleep.
The other night when I was putting Harry (the 1 year old that doesn’t sleep) to bed, I was holding him after his bottle. His head resting on my shoulder and his little arms wrapped around me. I started to cry. His chubby little hands started to pat me. Then he lifted his head, placed his hand on my cheek and rubbed his nose on mine and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
In that very moment everything was ok, and nothing else mattered.
And in the end everything will be ok. We don’t all always enjoy our ‘jobs’ all of the time. And there is no more demanding, yet rewarding job than being a parent.
So how do I feel after getting it out of my head? Still tired. Still sad. But I do know that it’s not forever.
It won’t be long before it’s me dragging the little darlings out of bed.